Joe Haldeman Forever Peace

[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

0Peace%20by%20Joe%20Haldeman.txt
JULIAN WAS WRONG ON that score. One of the first things the counselor told him
was "You know, it is possible to erase specific memories. We can make you
forget killing that boy." Dr. Jefferson was a black man maybe twenty years
older than Julian. He rubbed a fringe of gray beard. "But it's not simple or
complete. There would be emotional associations we can't erase, because it's
impossible to track down every neuron that was affected by the experience."
"I don't think I want to forget," Julian said. "It's part of what I am now,
for better or worse."
Page 74
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
"Not better, and you know it. If you were the type of person who could kill
and walk away from it, the army would've put you in a hunter-killer platoon."
They were in a wood-paneled office in Portobello, bright native paintings and
woven rugs on the walls.
Julian obeyed an obscure impulse and reached over to feel the rough wool of a
rug. "Even if I forget, he stays dead. It doesn't seem right."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I owe him my grief, my guilt. He was just a kid, caught up in the "
"Julian, he had a gun and was firing all over the place. You probably saved
lives by killing him."
"Not our lives. We were all safe, here."
"Civilians' lives. You don't do yourself any good by thinking of him as a
helpless boy. He was heavily armed and out of control."
"I was heavily armed and in control. I aimed to disable him."
"The more reason for you not to blame yourself."
"Have you ever killed anybody?" Jefferson shook his head, one short jerk.
"Then you don't know. It's like not being a virgin anymore. You can erase the
memory of the event, okay, but that wouldn't make me a virgin again. Like you
say, 'emotional associations.' Wouldn't I be even more fucked up? Not being
able to trace those feelings back to their trigger?"
"All that I can say is that it's worked with other people."
"Ah ha. But not with everybody."
"No. It's not an exact science."
"Then I respectfully decline."
file:///H|/eMule/Incoming/1998%20-%20Novel%20+%20n...99%20-%20Forever%20Peace%
20by%20Joe%20Haldeman.txt (99 of 261)15-8-2005 0:05:12
file:///H|/eMule/Incoming/1998%20-%20Novel%20+%20nebula%201999%20-%20Forever%2
0Peace%20by%20Joe%20Haldeman.txt
Jefferson leafed through the file on his desk. "You may not be allowed to
decline."
"I can disobey an order. This isn't combat. A few months in the stockade
wouldn't kill me."
"It's not that simple." He counted off on his fingers.
"One, a trip to the stockade might kill you. The shoe guards are selected for
aggressiveness and they don't like mechanics.
' 'Two, a prison term would be disastrous to your professional life. Do you
think the University of Texas has ever granted tenure to a black ex-con?
"Three, you may not have any choice, literally. You have clear-cut suicidal
tendencies. So I can "
"When did I ever say anything about suicide?"
"Probably never." The doctor took the top sheet from the file and handed it to
Julian. "This is your overall personality profile. The dotted line is average
for men
Af Ag Am Anx Dp Dz Fa Int Pr So Su SxA SxI
at your age when you were drafted. Look at the line above 'Su.' "
"This is based on some written test I took five years ago?"
"No, it integrates a number of factors. Army tests, but also various clinical
observations and evaluations made since you were a child."
"And on the basis of that, you can force me into a medical procedure, against
my will?"
"No. On the basis of 'I'm a colonel and you're a sergeant.'"
Julian leaned forward. "You're a colonel who took the Hippocratic oath and I'm
a sergeant with a doctorate in physics. Can we talk for just a minute like two
men who've spent most of their lives in school?"
"Sorry. Go ahead."
"You're asking me to accede to a medical treatment that will drastically
affect my memory. Am I
supposed to believe that there's no chance that it will hurt my ability to do
Page 75
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
physics?"
Jefferson was silent for a moment. "The chance is there, but it's very small.
And you sure won't be doing any physics if you kill yourself."
file:///H|/eMule/Incoming/1998%20-%20Novel%20+%20...9%20-%20Forever%20Peace%20
by%20Joe%20Haldeman.txt (100 of 261)15-8-2005 0:05:12
file:///H|/eMule/Incoming/1998%20-%20Novel%20+%20nebula%201999%20-%20Forever%2
0Peace%20by%20Joe%20Haldeman.txt
"Oh, for Christ's sake. I'm not going to kill myself."
"Right. Now what do you think a potential suicide would say?"
Julian tried not to raise his voice. "Do you hear yourself? You mean that if I
said, 'Sure, I think I'll do it,'
you'd pronounce me safe and let me go home?"
The psychiatrist smiled. "Okay, that's not a bad response. But you have to see
that it could be a calculated one, from a potential suicide."
"Sure. Anything I say can be evidence of mental illness. If you're convinced
that I'm ill."
He studied his own palm. "Look, Julian. You know I've jacked into the cube
that recorded how you felt when you killed that boy. In a way, I've been [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

Podobne